I was the Turkey!
Updated: Nov 27, 2019
Holidays are near us and I know first-hand just how daunting they can be when you struggle with food anxiety. They can be STRESSFUL! (to say the least) Food is everywhere you look. At work, new treats at the grocery store, family bringing over goodies, etc. And when you fear food, you just wanna crawl in a hole, and not come out till new years. Am I correct? I get that, I've been there. And...
This is why I want to share some of my story with you. So here it goes...
There ain’t no telling how many times I brought brussels sprouts (steamed/no oil) to Thanksgiving dinner! No one ate them but me.
There also ain’t no telling how many times I’d only eat white meat turkey, with no gravy, no mashed potatoes, no cranberry sauce, no enjoyment! Not to mention, no flavor! I was scared.
I wanted to fit in and make everyone think I could eat like them, so I made a "healthier" version of fat free, sugar free, pumpkin cheesecake. I made this ONCE and only once because it tasted awful. I didn't even want to taste it because it scared me so bad, but I had a bite. Literally one small bite. Oh yeah, an no crust because crust would add calories!
I wanted to eat with the rest of my family enjoying all the delicious holiday favorites. But I couldn’t.
I simply couldn’t fathom the thought of eating anything off my diet plan. My nerves were shot! No way in heck was I even thinking about real butter, real cheese, bread, or real food! Gross!
I couldn’t eat my Mamaw Glady’s stuffing because I was afraid. And afraid was an understatement. I felt shamed to even be worthy of her food made with love. I felt that it would make me fat.
I was frightened it would mess up my routine of no carbs. I was use to not eating them.
I didn’t care her stuffing had all the delicious turkey drippings. It had too much fat for my small stomach. I labeled it as unhealthy. A BIG NO-NO!
Now looking back, I wish I could've helped her make that stuffing in that black roasting pan. But now she's gone...
It didn’t matter that mom’s sweet potato casserole was sweet, crunchy, and warm. All I could see was the brown sugar, butter, and all things scary.
Instead of taking in the laughter, the memories, or the moments I’ll never get back, or the times where my cousins asked me how I was….I stayed in my own little world.
This sounds so self-absorbed, but this is how it was. This was my mindset.
Then I’d count. Count out my meal out as best as I could BEFORE heading out the door to the family gathering. I counted more than once, and most definitely more than twice.
I measured and counted 1 cup of those unflavored brussels sprouts. I counted the turkey (as best I could) to make sure it was as close to 4 ounces of protein Google suggested. I counted the zero-calorie coke because zero didn’t exist.
I had no room in my mind for anything that would get me off track!
All I cared about was me. I cared about my little diet, that could not be messed up. Even if Thanksgiving only happens once a year, it was no excuse for me to splurge.
Thanksgiving had me shaking like a turkey! I was the one who was gobbling on the inside scared of food and failure.
I DO NOT want this for you! I repeat I DO NOT wish this for you!
I want you to be able to attend your family gathering by being able to be present.
I want you to NOT MISS out on ANYTHING that brings you joy.
I want you to be able to NOT be afraid of aunt Susie’s casserole, or uncle Johnny’s pie.
I want you to realize food has no control over you, no power over you.
I want you to listen to your body, learn what it needs, and eat what it loves.
Don’t you want this too?
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I’ve been recovered from my own food anxiety going on 5 years now. This story is sad, but I'm glad I am NOT that girl anymore.
I know how daunting it can be, but it can be done.
FULL Recovery is possible and YOU my dear friend, are worthy.
Take the leap...